|
|
Saturday, June 12th, 2004
|
|
|
Fucking gas prices went up again.
You have no idea how much gas it takes to run this friggin Death Star. I know you probably think it runs on like, dilithium crystals or something, but really, it runs on good old premium unleaded.
That's what the galactic taxpayers are spending their hard earned dollars... it's our fuckin gas money.
But what can ya do?
It's kind of funny... like, we're in the middle of this massive galactic war... star wars if you will, but, for being in the middle of a massive war, there sure is a lot of down time.
Not that there's a lack of things to do... but it sure is easy to find time to spend just fucking around.
For instance, me and my buddy Dave the Stormtrooper were having golf cart races the other day.
You see, the Death Star is a HUGE friggin place, and it's not exactly easy to get from, say, the administration office to the cafeteria in less than a couple hours if you're just hoofin it.
So they give us these golf carts to ride around on. Of course they don't call them "golf carts"... they're officially called Imperial Personal Transport Devices or something... but they're just golf carts. They're just painted gray. And they've got the little Empire emblem on them.
So anyhoo, me and Dave were in the 23rd floor food storage warehouse, which happened to be empty because we are expecting a huge shipment of canned food so it had been all cleared out and everything.
That's just BEGGING me and Dave to fuck around in it!
So we got our golf carts and fashioned a make shift race track out of empty boxes and had our races.
Dave kept accusing me of using the force to slow his cart down but I was all "no way fucker, you just can't handle that I 0wn j00"
That's not nearly as bad as when we're playing air hockey. Fuckin Dave is CONVINCED that I'm cheating at air hockey. He just can't cope with the fact that I rock the air hockey table better than anyone else on this friggin Death Star.
He kind of pissed me off last time we played though. He crossed the line. I was trouncing him 9 to 6 in a game. We were going to 10 and had like, thirty seconds on the clock, and then he gets this like, somber look and he's all "If you strike me down now, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine" and i"m all "dude... just like... fuck you dude" and I stormed out.
People think that just because you're a public figure your life is suddenly some kind of fictional thing that they can joke around about. It's like... they can't comprehend the fact that I totally had to kill a good buddy of mine. I mean, sure, it had to be done, but shit, doesn't mean that I didn't feel kind of shitty about it afterwards. And like, I think it's TOTALLY uncool for people to joke around about it.
Fucking Dave.
He apologized for it later and bought me a drink so we're cool now, but sheesh, buddy... think a little before you open your fucking mouth. He's lucky I didn't crush his windpipe with my mind.
Anyways, speaking of drinks, I've had a few too many tonight. I doubt I've made any kind of sense whatsoever.
|
|
Comments: Read 11 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, November 26th, 2003
|
|
|
How could those fucking scruffy nerf herders not vote off Burton!!??
I mean, c'mon, what the fuck?! You're gonna trust JOHN?!
In case you didn't know, tonight was Survivor Night here on the Death Star. It's the night that me and the Emperor and Moffy (Grand Moff Tarken to you, beeyotch) and Barry and a few of the fellas and whoever else wants to show up get together and watch Survivor. We used to have Big Brother night but that didn't last because it comes on like, three or four times a week and really, I work with these assholes, I don't need to spend four NIGHTS a week with em as well
Anyway, so we're all sitting around in Sidious's throne room watching Survivor tonight. I wasn't even planning on coming tonight. I threw a bit shit fit last week when Rupert was voted off and vowed to never watch Survivor again...
well, it wasn't so much my call. I was kicked out because I broke the TV when I tried to kill John with my mind on the TV. I did my little pinchy finger thing but the TV imploded and started smoking and everyone got all pissy and kicked me out.
BUT ANYHOO
I came back tonight and promised not to break the TV or nothing. It's not like Sidious can't get another TV or something. They've got thousands of TVs all over the place on this fuckin Death Star.
For being called "The Death Star" it's actually a pretty comfortable place to relax. I mean, there's an Arbys. I can't complain about any office job that has an Arbys. Unless I worked at Arbys. That might suck.
Oh, by the way, I'm on my forth Mike's Hard Lemonade. ROCK THE CRANBERRY MIKE!
So, yeah, I'm slightly buzzed.
ANYHOO!!!
What was I talking about?
Oh yes, Survivor.
So I'm sitting there watching this whole "John's dead grandmother" deal and I fuckin called it right from the get go. I knew that sneaky fucking shit was lying through his teeth. And when Sandra went after trying to knock John's friend off the plank first I was all "You go girl!" but then she pussed out but I don't blame her. No one wants to be the "bad guy"
don't I know it.
So anyway, yeah, I can't believe those stupid bitches actually voted Tea off rather than Burton. Are they THAT stupid?! Why NOT vote Burton off?! What's the point?!
The ONLY thing they did was give John another week to slink around and work shit and be annoying and they decreased their numbers. I mean, if they'd voted off Burton and then John and then Tea and then Lil then it'd just be Sandra and Krista and that other chick that doesn't do anything or even like, talk.
Oh yeah, John's grandmother. So like, as soon as he pulled that "hows grandma?" "she's dead dude" bullshit, I was all "THAT's the BIG LIE they were talking about on Entertainment Tonight!" and everyone was like "pfft!" and I was like "SERIOUSLY! That cocksucker is SO lying!"
and then it went on for a bit and he was all weepy and all "my granny died bla bla bla" and I kept going on about how he was lying and then Sidious was all "if he grandmother really DID die you're gonna feel really bad" and I was all "PFFT! I hope his grandmother DID die. Anything that produces THAT kind of scum, even indirectly, needs to be dead!"
and then Boba Fett was all "yeah, it'd be cool if his grandmother got raped and killed by Tusken Raiders. Hardy Har Har" and then I was all like "hey... that hurt my feeling Boba Fett. I will not let your comments invalidate the progress I've made in regards to my mother's death. I can only ask for your support."
My therapist has been teaching me about not letting people get under my skin. I'll have to tell her about that experience on thursday during our session. I'll leave out the part where I picked up the coffee table with my mind and threw it at his nuts.
Excuse me, I am now on my fifth Mike's and I need some time to think about how what Boba Fett said made me feel. I'm allowed this time for myself.
|
|
Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
I have a ventilator built into my robotic walking life support system which makes my voice sound kind of like... all mechanical when I talk.
Well, you knew that
But what you DIDN'T know is that because of this ventilator, I am a MASTER beat boxer.
I don't mind saying that I can throw out some INSANE beats. Ask anyone. I don't mean to be cocky about it, but it's simply a fact.
It also helps having a graphic equalizer built into your mask. I can bust out some MAD bass when I'm doing my beat box thing.
And when I get a casio keyboard hooked into my chest, you better watch out. I'm like a one man band.
That why I rule thursday night at the Death Star bar.
Because... Thursday night is KARAOKE NIGHT!
that's the night I really let loose and have some fun.
All of which I will tell you about at a later date, because I have to get up at 6 in the goddamn am tomorrow.
|
|
Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Tuesday, November 25th, 2003
|
|
|
not that I don't like him now. I just liked him more when he was a big lumbering blob with long girl hair
that is all
|
|
Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, July 16th, 2003
|
|
|
something I ate is giving me some SERIOUS gas.
You've never smelled a fart until you've smelled a DARK LORD OF SITH FART.
For serious. A Sith Fart will beat anything you wanna bring to the table. Bantha farts? Pfft. Sith Farts spit in the face of Bantha farts.
The only thing that MIGHT rival a Sith Fart is Sarlacc Fart. Just ask stupid Boba Fett about that. He'll be glad to tell you about the time he fell right into the mouth of that thing just as it was letting out a hardcore fart. He said it was one of those farts that you don't even smell till about fifteen minutes later, because your smell sensors get overloaded at first.
Anyway, so yeah. I've been a fart machine lately.
The best thing about being contained in a walking robotic life support system is that when I DO fart, it's totally quiet. That's right, your Dark Lord Vader is the MASTER of the SBD. That's Silent But Deadly to you folks not in the know.
But everyone generally knows it's me that farted anyway, because you can't miss that Vader flavor. No stormtrooper can belt one out like that.
I remember once I was coming back from my lunch break on the Death Star once and I was in the elevator with a bunch of stormtroopers and my good buddy Moffy (that's Grand Moff Tarkin to you) and I had to make some room, so I opened my Intestinal Vapor Valve and let're go.
So then I was like "WHEW! Who let THAT one go?!" and I start looking around like it wasn't me, and all the stormtroopers are all like "It wasn't me m'lord, I swear!" and I'm like "Barry. Dude. Seriously. Did you eat a jawa or something?" and then Barry (he's a stormtrooper and a good buddy of mine) and Barry's all like "OMG! My body isn't capable of something like that!" and then Moffy's all like "A stench such as what lives in this elevator could only come from the Dark Lord Darth Vader" and I'm like "Okay, okay, you got me. It was me" And then the Stormtroopers are all like "Good one, m'lord"
I get tired of that "M'lord" shit though, but I didn't punish any of em cause I was in a jovial mood.
Speaking of elevators, I'm contemplating driving the Death Star to the factory where they make Ax Body Spray and blowing that shit up. What they've got is FALSE ADVERTISING. I bought myself a can of that stuff and kept finding excuses to ride the elevator with attractive girls and NONE of them jumped on me the way they do in the commercial. What a load of crapola. I even made a point to wait around until that cutie with the bellybutton ring from the Death Star Kinko's Copies got off work. She got on the elevator and was like "hey Darth." and I was like "Hey." and I tried to play the old "Silent and Serious but secretly sensitive" deal. So then after about thirty seconds or so I was like "do you like my new smell?" and then she's like "what?" and then I leaned in closer so she could get a whiff and she was like "is that Ax Body Spray?" and I was like "totally." and then she was like "it's alright." and then I was all like WTF? but I didn't say it cause I was starting to get self conscious.
So I choked her to death with my mind.
|
|
Comments: Read 13 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Monday, February 10th, 2003
|
| Subject: | OMG |
| Time: | 5:47 am. |
| Mood: |  annoyed. | | Music: | Frankie Goes To Hollywood - Relax. |
|
I can't believe this shit.
Before you hear it from someone else, lemme first say in my defense that that stupid fucker Admiral Motti had it coming.
Okay, first off, sorry I haven't updated in like, forever. I've been busy with this whole "policing the galaxy" thing. It's a full time job you know. I dunno what you guys read this for anyway. It's just my bitch board. I get my knickers in a twist and I come here and bitch about it. But, you know, one man's entertainment is another man's Will and Grace. Or something.
OOOH! Did you see the Will and Grace with Kevin Bacon? I almost peed myself when Jack came in while Will and Kevin Bacon were doing the Footloose dance. That was so fucking hillare.
Anyway, what was I talking about?
Oh yeah, the gym.
So I've been going to the Death Star Exercise Facility (AKA, the gym) a few times a week... My doctor said that I need to get more exercise. Ever since we've gotten this Death Star dealie, almost all the asskicking I do is totally automated. It's like... remote ass kicking. And instead of "some guy's" ass we kick... it's like... "a whole planet's" ass. It's pretty neat. Anyway, ever since we've gone all automated, I've gotten like, NO exercise. Let's just say that my leather walking life support system is beginning to strain at the seams. So yeah, the doctor put sent me to the gym for some cardio. Occasionally I'll swing some weights around or something. It's all good.
I pretty much have a routine down though. I go in for 45 minutes on the bike, 15 on the rowing machine thing (it's got a cool little video game in it... totally distracts you from your poor aching muscles) and 15 on that stairmaster thing. I've been doing it for a few weeks now and it's been working fine.
BUT
what doesn't work fine is when I get to the gym and all of the bikes are taken. I try to be cool about it, but I'm a busy guy. I wait around for about ten minutes. But there's only so much standing around drinking Gatorade and watching fat jiggle you can do before you're ready to destroy someone.
Now, I know what you're saying "hey Darth, why don't you start on the stairmaster or something and get on the bike when one's free"
That's nice, in theory... but I've kinda got this OCD thing going. I can't break the routine. I just can't. It'd fuck me up for the whole day. Jack up my rhythm.
So, yeah, I'm standing there for pushing 15 minutes. My Gatorade is all gone. I head over to the machine to get another one. I figure that if someone hasn't gotten off of a bike by the time I get back, I'm gonna have to like... I dunno... say something to someone.
So I get to the Gatorade machine and I realize that I've got no fuckin money! Man was I pissed. I gotta have some green Gatorade to sit on the bike with me. It's part of the routine.
So I see Grand Moff Tarken heading to the steam room and I run up and I’m like "hey, Moffy, do you have a buck twenty-five?" and he's all rolling his eyes and everything and I'm like "dude, don't jerk me around, I'm having a rough day" and then he's like "alright" and he gives me a buck twenty five, which was weird cause all he had on was a towel and I have no idea where he got it from but whatever.
So I go back to the machine and put the money in and THEN I realize that there's no green Gatorade. I keep pushing the button as though I can convince the machine to MAKE some more, but the light just keeps flashing saying that there isn't any. So I go to get a yellow one. None. Red. None. Orange. Gone. All they've got is is this fucking nasty clear wild berry crap. I get it and take a drink and I spit it all over the place because it tasted like bantha balls.
So THEN I head back to the bikes, and yay! Someone's just getting off of one of the bikes.
I head towards it and then that motherfucking cocksucker Admiral Motti jumps on, wearing that STUPID looking headband he wears.
That was the last straw. I go up to him and I'm all like "hey buddy, I was next in line for a bike" and he's all like "you snooze you loose" and then I'm getting pissed but I'm trying to be polite and everything and I'm like "HEY buddy. That was MY bike!" and he's like "I don't see your name on it" and he all like, pretends to look all over it and then he goes "nope. No Darth Vader written anywhere"
and then... check this out... I'm like "oh yeah? Well, lemme get my pen..."
Then I whip out my lightsaber and I’m all like wwwwhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrreeeeeeegggggg (that's totally what a lightsaber sounds like) and I chop him on the neck and cut his lame ass head off.
Fuckin bastard. I don't know who he thought he was talking too. I mean, how many guys are walking around on The Death Star with all black leather walking life support systems.
So then I call in some Storm Troopers and I’m all like "Lenny, Carl... take this garbage out" and they're all like "sir, yes sir." Sometimes I like it when people are all regal with me and whatnot. Reminds me that I’m badass.
So I get on the bike and I start my routine.
Thank GOD for MP3 players by the way. I can't stand that shit they pipe through speakers in there. Whoever's in charge of the Imperial radio needs to seriously get fired. Oh yeah Avril, you're SOO different from Britney... what, with the darker hair and all. Oh yeah, and you wear a stupid fucking tie.
|
|
Comments: Read 18 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
|
Greedo shoots first my ass. George Lucas is such a tool.
|
|
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, September 12th, 2002
|
|
|
Sometimes I hate this fucking job. GGRRRRR.... there's so much interpersonal politics bullshit that goes on here. You'd think it was the Imperial Knitting Circle or something. It's just gossip gossip gossip.
Okay, so here's what happens. It's a regular Friday evening... wait... lemme start earlier
The shit KINDA hit the fan that afternoon when one of our spider scout robot dealies came back and said that there was a rebel base on the planet Butplugulous. Not only is it a rebel base, but (according to this spider scout) Luke, Leia, Chewbacca the wookie, Han Solo AND Lando Calrisian are there. So, you know, that means I've got to make a personal appearance. It's in my job description. I wanted to be there anyway, cause I've kinda got a personal investment in those chuckleheads... especially Leia. It's my personal mission to convert Leia to the Dark Side. I've given up on Luke. At first I was big on Luke, just cause he kinda reminded me of me. But I soon realized that he's a complete and utter loser, and his sister is the one with the actual kahonies of the two. Anyway, back to the story.
So we got all our shit ready to go. Storm Troopers all decked out in their storm troopin outfits. We get on a battleship with all our blasters and bombs and shit and head out. The whole way down I'm working on a little speech that I'm gonna give as we take over the base. It's something i do. I like to make an impression.
So we land right outside of where the "rebel base" is and I give a little motivational speech to the troops. You know, stuff like "we might not all make it back, but know that this will be the death blow for the Rebel forces! The Empire will emerge from the fiery wreckage of this base the victors in the ageless battle of good and evil" and bla bla bla. You know what I mean.
Anyway, so we storm up to the base, and I'm starting to get a funny feeling about it. Usually we just kinda blast a hole in the wall and start shooting everyone in sight... but my spider-senses were tingling, so I went about things kind of on impulse.
I went up to the front door of this building which was supposedly the rebel base but looked strangely more like a tavern of some sort. I knocked on the door. No answer. I could hear loud music coming from the inside. I knocked again, really loudly. A panel in the door opened and a set of eyes peeked out and I hear a very pleasant, if some what fruity voice say "Who is it?"
I hadn't expected that at all. I figured they'd ask for a password or something, then I woulda used the force to trick them into thinking I'd given them the right password. So I kinda blanked when they asked who it was and I said "Darth Va-.... wait... I mean... Luke Skywalker. Yeah. It's Luke. Lemme in. I lost my keys because I'm incompetent fool that will never understand the powER of the DARK SIDE"
Then the door flew open and I thought we were going to be attacked, but instead the man who was talking through the little panel in the door ran up and HUGGED me. I'm not used to this sort of thing. Especially when storming rebel bases. Then he says "OH MY GOD!! What FABULOUS COSTUMES! Come on in right away! You're SURE to win the contest!!"
So, yeah, we tentatively go inside... and yes, Luke and Leia and Han and Chewie and Lando were all there. In fact, there were about six Lukes and at least ten Hans and countless Lieas. But none of them were the REAL mccoy. It was a friggin GAY BAR. Apparently they were having some kind of "Star Wars Theme Night" or something. There was a big costume contest going on.
At first I was really pissed. I stormed outside and found that Spider Scout droid thing and I was like "WHAT THE HELL?!?! This isn't a rebel base! It's a gay bar!" and the robot is like "DUDE! CHILL! It's not my fault! I just take the pictures, alright?! Jesus. Wadda ya expect me to do when I see a bunch of rebels going into a building?! LAY OFF!!" so I was like "alright, you're right. Sorry I yelled you."
I apologize too much.
Anyway, so I go back in the bar. Donnie, the lead Storm Trooper on this mission, said "Uh... shouldn't we get back to the Death Star?" and I said "NO! I want to win this contest"
So, yeah, I entered the Star Wars Theme Costume Contest, and I totally won. Go figure, huh?
Okay, here's where it gets frustrating.
We go back to the Death Star. I've got my trophy, which I was a little disappointed to learn is in the shape of two hands holding a lightsaber, but instead of a normal light saber, it's kind of, well... phallic. But whatever. I won it, goddamnit. I never win nuffin. I was proud of my cock shaped trophy.
BUT, of course, as soon as we start unloading out shit back onto the Death Star, people start running their mouths. Not in FRONT of me, of course, but I can hear em all the same. I HATE gossip. I especially hate gossip when it's about ME.
So now everyone on the death star is talking about how Darth Vader, Dark Lord of Sith, refused to leave the gay bar. So, yeah, there's a ton of "Darth is Gay" rumors floating around.
Listen, I don't care if you're gay. It doesn't bother me at all. You fuck who ever you wanna fuck. It's none of my business where you put your genitals. It's not what I personally like, but hey, dif'rent strokes, right? It just so happens that Darth Vader isn't gay. In fact, it just so happens that Darth Vader is a major pussyhoud. I love it. Can't get enough of it. That's just me. I like the poon.
And, like... the "darth is gay" rumors don't even really bother me. Very few people actually have the knobs to say anything to ME about it, so, you know, whatever they want to think is fine with me. I don't care.
BUT, something like that gets around to The Emperor... and Boba Fett... those two guys... Jesus... they just won't LEAVE IT ALONE!
So, I go to the bar that evening after a hard days work and I see Boba sitting at the bar, drinking his usual Guinness. I sit down next to him and order a strawberry daiquiri, and then say "hey Boba, howsit going?" and he says, REALLY LOUDLY so everyone can hear "NO I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH DARTH!!" and everyone looks at us and Boba is laughing his ass off and I'm like "YOU BASTARD!" and then the Emperor shows up and walks up to us and he's all like "Hey Darth, the ImQueerial Lounge is on the other side of the Death Star. heh heh heh heh" and I'm like "Fuck YOU guys." and I take off.
Fucking punks. This organization would fall apart if it wasn't for me. You'd think they'd show me a little respect. I mean, I know that Boba Fett is a freelance contract worker and his job is secure with or without me, but man, the Emperor should fuckin know that without me his little "empire" would be nothing.
At leat I don't sound like Bevis when I laugh. Fucking Emperor.
Asshole.
I'm going to sleep.
|
|
Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Tuesday, September 10th, 2002
|
|
Monday, September 2nd, 2002
|
| Subject: | new pix |
| Time: | 11:26 am. |
| Mood: |  okay. | | Music: | Ramones - Sheena Is A Punk Rocker. |
|
it's been a while, but I thought I'd scan a few of my old favorites and new favorites.
I <3 my Ramones shirt. RIP Joey. Deedee can go to hell.
|
|
Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Sunday, September 1st, 2002
|
| Subject: | avoid the planet Assrapeturn |
| Time: | 11:10 pm. |
| Mood: | I did it all for the nookie. | | Music: | Elton John and Billy Joel - 1998-03-30 - Face to Face Live in Tokyo disc 1 - 13 - Big Shot. |
|
novaderhaters: http://www.members.shaw.ca/bocephous2/journal/darthmac.mp3
GuMbO 1174: cool...seeing as how i'm on a dial up connection, it might take a little bit longer than i would like for it to download...being out in the middle of nowhere is a pain sometimes
novaderhaters: haha
novaderhaters: I bet
novaderhaters: you need a death star like me
novaderhaters: we've got our own servers and whatnot
novaderhaters: I’ve got a T1 connection in my apartment!
GuMbO 1174: I wouldn't doubt that....would be nice...but I haven't seen to many death stars for cheap these days..or any job openings there either
novaderhaters: well, we've always got job openings, but the relocation is a bitch
novaderhaters: and you almost never start right on the death star
GuMbO 1174: yeah that whole galazy far far away thing
novaderhaters: you usually gotta pay your dues, ya know?
novaderhaters: exactly
GuMbO 1174: galaxy even
GuMbO 1174: yeah would probably have to start on some remote desert planet on sand pratrol or something and work my way up....
novaderhaters: yeah
novaderhaters: or on the Ice Planet of Hoth
novaderhaters: you might get lucky and get stationed at our base on Nookielous
novaderhaters: they've got excellent cuisine
GuMbO 1174: nookielous...???.....
novaderhaters: yeah
novaderhaters: oh, and there's lots of horny young women there
novaderhaters: which is a bonus for a guy in uniform
GuMbO 1174: where do i sign?....:-)
novaderhaters: you just have to contact your local imperial recruitment agent
novaderhaters: although, you know, there's no promise that you'll be stationed on nookielous. you could be stationed on assrapeturn
novaderhaters: which, you know, isn't as pleasant
novaderhaters: the smog is terrible
GuMbO 1174: doesn't sound like it either....
novaderhaters: oh, and the ass rape
novaderhaters: that's also a downside
novaderhaters: but they've got a bitchin water slide park
novaderhaters: but one of the slides is called "the ass raper"... avoid that one
GuMbO 1174: yeah the ass rape.......does the standard imperial package come with plenty of lube for that planet?
novaderhaters: nah
novaderhaters: we've got a "don't ask/don't tell" policy regarding ass rape
GuMbO 1174: got ya
novaderhaters: oh, and avoid the "prison love express"
novaderhaters: in fact, now that I think about it, most of the slides involve get assraped in some way or another
GuMbO 1174: well i've been looking to get out of this galaxy anyway.....might just have to take my chances......
novaderhaters: that water slide part kinda sucks
GuMbO 1174: never really liked water anyway
novaderhaters: yeah, me either
novaderhaters: ever since I went to "Aqua Ass Rape World" on assrapeturn
novaderhaters: wait, they changed their name to "Raging Ass Raping Waters" I think
GuMbO 1174: yeah
GuMbO 1174: that would do it for me
GuMbO 1174: not going there that is
novaderhaters: haha
novaderhaters: good call
|
|
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
Tyrant39013: greetings lord vader
novaderhaters: howdy!
Tyrant39013: how's Billy Joel doing these days?
novaderhaters: he's doing quite nicely
novaderhaters: took care of his little problem
novaderhaters: not that it was any of our business
Tyrant39013: hehe
Tyrant39013: What's this I hear about Admiral Weirzbowski pulling out of lightspeed too quick and messing up the attack on the rebels?
novaderhaters: i haven't heard about that
novaderhaters: even if I had
novaderhaters: I certainly wouldn't discuss it with some random person on the internet
novaderhaters: we ARE a military establishment after all
Tyrant39013: someone needs to force-choke that bastich
Tyrant39013: oh this is Yojimbo from lj
novaderhaters: no comment
Tyrant39013: im part of the_empire
novaderhaters: says who?!
Tyrant39013: im enlisted
novaderhaters: pfft
novaderhaters: hell no you aren't
Tyrant39013: :-(
novaderhaters: just cause you signed up for that comunity?
novaderhaters: i mean, c'mon
Tyrant39013: i wonder what pfft sounds like when you have a raspy voicebox...
novaderhaters: it sounds like "chaaaaaaa... pffft.... huuuuuuuuuhhh"
Tyrant39013: so in other words it sounds like a fart?
novaderhaters: ?!
novaderhaters: no
novaderhaters: it sounds bad ass
Tyrant39013: a fart from a bad ass?
novaderhaters: you wanting to get mindchoked, bitch?!
Tyrant39013: i just had a funny vision
Tyrant39013: wanna know what it was?
novaderhaters: nah
Tyrant39013: aww cmon
novaderhaters: *sigh*
Tyrant39013: i mean it's something u do every day
novaderhaters: okay
novaderhaters: fine
novaderhaters: what was your funny vision?
Tyrant39013: i just imagined what it's like for you to sit on the toilet taking a dump
Tyrant39013: what do u read while on the crapper?
novaderhaters: :-(
novaderhaters: i don't sit on the toilet to take a dump
novaderhaters: i'm in a walking robotic life support system
Tyrant39013: ooooh built in mechanics eh?
novaderhaters: my colon dissapeared a long time ago
novaderhaters: the cancer got it
Tyrant39013: oooooooh
novaderhaters: so, you know
novaderhaters: I just chuck out a bag
Tyrant39013: so u are incapable of taking a crap?
Tyrant39013: ah
novaderhaters: well, in the traditional sense, yeah
Tyrant39013: but then again, how do u eat since you can't take off your helmet unless you're in that little dome room
Tyrant39013: do u just drink lots and lots of coffee?
novaderhaters: nah
novaderhaters: i've got this little doodad thing
novaderhaters: it grinds my food up
Tyrant39013: again with the mechanics
novaderhaters: hey, the future is now
novaderhaters: or, like
novaderhaters: a long time ago
Tyrant39013: ok.. well what do you do about *sex*?
novaderhaters: in a galaxy far far away or something
novaderhaters: what DON'T i do?
novaderhaters: well
novaderhaters: besides men
Tyrant39013: i mean.. is that mechanical too?
novaderhaters: somewhat
novaderhaters: which works to my advantage, if you know what I mean
Tyrant39013: propped up with a splint huh?
novaderhaters: hell no
novaderhaters: I've got mad attatchments
novaderhaters: bzzz bzzz and whatnot
Tyrant39013: is there a ribbed attatchment?
novaderhaters: there's everything
novaderhaters: shit, I've got a big fist attatchment
novaderhaters: some ladies like that
novaderhaters: not that I should be telling YOU all this
novaderhaters: yojimbo
Tyrant39013: that Princess Leia is pretty hot isnt she? Bet ya had some fun during interrogation
novaderhaters: are you that ninja rabbit dude?
novaderhaters: yeah, she's pretty hot
Tyrant39013: no thats Usagi Yojimbo
novaderhaters: I didn't do anything nasty to her though
Tyrant39013: so is she any good?
Tyrant39013: awwww
novaderhaters: shit dude, I was at work
Tyrant39013: you had the perfect opportunity and you threw it away?
novaderhaters: we're the Empire, not the Rapepire
Tyrant39013: I bet if the emporer had that chance he'd be all over it
novaderhaters: nah
novaderhaters: he likes little boys
novaderhaters: he's a freak like that
Tyrant39013: i guess that is the one thing that distinguishes the Empire from Tusken Raiders
novaderhaters: the ONE thing?
Tyrant39013: that and white plastic outfits...
novaderhaters: I fucking hate those dirty cocksucking motherkilling sonsofbitches
Tyrant39013: yeah didn't they rape your mother/
Tyrant39013: ?
novaderhaters: what the fuck is wrong with you?
novaderhaters: bringing something like that up
novaderhaters: YOU'RE FIRED
Tyrant39013: hey look she was tied up doggy style
novaderhaters: clean out your locker you son of a bitch
novaderhaters: FIRED
Tyrant39013: i thought I wasn't in the empire...
novaderhaters: oh yeah
novaderhaters: well
Tyrant39013: I'm freelance
novaderhaters: you're STILL fired
novaderhaters: from whatever job you have
Tyrant39013: im a hired bodyguard
novaderhaters: and I'm sending stormtroopers to your house to burn it down
Tyrant39013: hence the name.. Yojimbo
novaderhaters: pfft
novaderhaters: you're a dead body gaurd pretty soon
Tyrant39013: don't make me jedi mind trick those stromtroopers into being gays.. wouldnt want gays in your military
Tyrant39013: bad image for the empire
Tyrant39013: i was about to ask if there were any chick stormtroopers but I just remembered they are all clones of Jango
novaderhaters: alright
Tyrant39013: hey ya wanna go to meet on Coruscant sometime and have a few drinks? I'm buyin
novaderhaters: I'm done talking to you
novaderhaters: go fuck yourself you pile of shit
Tyrant39013: :-(
novaderhaters: what were you thinking?!
Tyrant39013: i am sorry
novaderhaters: bringing up my mother like that
Tyrant39013: i dont know what I was thinking
Tyrant39013: I apologize
novaderhaters: you're lucky I didn't come over there and shove my lightsaber so far up your ass your eyes glow red
Tyrant39013: oh my eyes are already red.. been tokin up
Tyrant39013: wanna join me?
Tyrant39013: hey ya ever think about getting back into podracing?
novaderhaters: i'm still mad at you
Tyrant39013: but i still love you
Tyrant39013: you're my hero
novaderhaters: I still think you're a rabbit
novaderhaters: and that you hang out with the ninja turtles
Tyrant39013: Usagi means Rabbit.. Yojimbo means Bodyguard
novaderhaters: if you say so
Tyrant39013: i hang out with Aqualish if that's any help
novaderhaters: in Tatooine Usagi means "gay" and Yojimbo means "fuckin bunny"
Tyrant39013: hey can you use the death star to blow up Tattooine? I dont like their language
novaderhaters: you TRYING to get on my bad side tonight?
novaderhaters: cause if you are, you're doing a good job
Tyrant39013: i thought you already were on the bad side....
novaderhaters: no, you're getting on MY bad side
Tyrant39013: how can I make it up to you? I found a porno called Hoth Heat where Princess Leia gets it on with Wampas and Tauntauns
Tyrant39013: i could send it to ya...
novaderhaters: you know what?
novaderhaters: I
novaderhaters: am about ready
novaderhaters: to block you
Tyrant39013: :-(
Tyrant39013: ok sorry
Tyrant39013: so what's it like to masturbate with a mechanical hand?
novaderhaters: dude
novaderhaters: step off
novaderhaters: seriously
Tyrant39013: ok ok I think Padme needs a backrub anyway.. I'll be over at her place
novaderhaters: yeah, whatever
novaderhaters: asshole
Tyrant39013: may the force be with you
novaderhaters: bite me
Tyrant39013: oooooo tell me where ya want it baby.. i can do some nice neck biting
novaderhaters: blocked
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
Doviza: ...DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
novaderhaters: ?!
Doviza: Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun... DUN DUN DUN....
Doviza: DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN... DUUUUUUUUUUUUN... DUNDUNDUNDUNDUUUUUUUUUUUUNDUN...
Doviza: DUNDUNDUNDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNDUN...
Doviza: DUNDUNDUNDUN...
Doviza: Okay, I'm done.
novaderhaters: are you singing the Jaws theme?
Doviza: Nah, that was the Starwars. I think. Hell, I don't know.
Doviza: I just wanted to say dun a lot.
novaderhaters: ahh
Doviza: ...
novaderhaters: whatever works for ya
novaderhaters: coulda said 2001
Doviza: BUT WASN'T IT COOL?!?!?!?!
novaderhaters: that've been cooler
novaderhaters: nah
novaderhaters: i hate star wars
Doviza: Wow. I never would have thought.
Doviza: Tch, tch.
novaderhaters: well, can't win em all
Doviza: Guess not.
Doviza: So how's being evil workin' for ya?
novaderhaters: eh, it's all good
novaderhaters: I'm not evil you know
Doviza: Just... Do-good challenged?
novaderhaters: nah
novaderhaters: I'm hella good
novaderhaters: people just THINK I'm bad
novaderhaters: cause of that stupid movie you were singing
Doviza: Oh. Yeah. Damn publicity.
novaderhaters: Lucas only showed the stuff that could be interpreted as evil
Doviza: And... stuff.
Doviza: But never you having a nice meal with your friends... None of that shit, right?
novaderhaters: me choking people with my mind and cutting off people's hands and whatnot
novaderhaters: exactly
Doviza: Poor Vader.
Doviza: Well hey, the image is working for you anyway.
Doviza: You know what I was thinking, though...
novaderhaters: what?
Doviza: Is that you got some nice... You know... Reconstructive surgery or something...
Doviza: Got that whole 'I need a life-support system' problem worked out...
Doviza: You could, you know, be.... Pimpin' it, G.
novaderhaters: what do you mean?
Doviza: Dude, Vader. Underneat the mask you're ass-ugly. Let's admit it. Not your fault, though. I know.
Doviza: Anyway.
Doviza: You get Mr. Fix-it to model you after... I dunno... Sergio.
Doviza: Bam, you're gettin' ass left and right.
novaderhaters: why would I need to do that though?
novaderhaters: I gotta keep the mask on anyway
novaderhaters: I mean, it's not like I'm taking it off to make out
novaderhaters: i'd die you know
Doviza: Not if we got that FIXED!
novaderhaters: i've TRIED to get it fixed
novaderhaters: besides, chicks dig it the mask
novaderhaters: the helmet and all
Doviza: Some chicks.
novaderhaters: it's pretty snazzy
novaderhaters: enough chicks
Doviza: It's not snazzy every-single-night.
Doviza: Oh come on.
novaderhaters: it does the job
Doviza: Oh you can't be satisfied with that.
novaderhaters: what the fuck?!
novaderhaters: did you come here to talk shit about my busted up face and walking robotic life support system?
novaderhaters: i'm a goddamn war hero fer christ's sake
Doviza: Nah. I came to sing the song.
Doviza: Just sorta switched subjects.
novaderhaters: but you ended up talking trash about my walking robotic life support system and busted up face
Doviza: I know.
novaderhaters: that's not cool, bro
Doviza: Sis.
novaderhaters: hurts me feelings and all
Doviza: It was all a suggestion.
Doviza: Yeah. Anyway.
Doviza: I'll leave you to your... um... ruler of the deathstar duties.
novaderhaters: you mean watching Ali G videos?
Doviza: If THAT'S how you come up with your ingenious war tactics...
novaderhaters: nah
novaderhaters: it's how I kill bordom between war tactics
novaderhaters: that british fellow is hillarious!
Doviza: Oh. You had me all scared.
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
| Subject: | pfft |
| Time: | 7:09 pm. |
| Mood: |  blah. | | Music: | James Taylor - Fire And Rain. |
|
You know what I can't wait for? Star Wars: Episode Three. Why? So this fucking bullshit can be OVER with.
I hate Star Wars. That numbnuts Lucas comes in with this stupid lenses and his stupid beard and he's all like "I'm a serious film maker! Did you see American Graffiti?!" and I'm like "okay. whatever." and he's all talking about how he's making this big shot documentary and how popular it's gonna be and how rich we all are gonna be. The ONLY reason he did it was because he said he was sympathetic to the Imperial movement.
That fucking liar.
He's all talking like I'm gonna be some kinda big figurehead of law and order, and be super cool and everyone would think I was a real tough guy, like Dirty Harry. I was excited. So he's filming all this shit and like, I'm really into it and everything... and he never even told me that he was ALSO filming from the perspective of the stupid rebels. Fucking anarchists. That's what they are. That's ALL they are. That moron Lucas makes them out to be these big time heroes when they're actually just stupid punks stirring up shit.
Okay, here's how it is... I work for the government. We're the peace keepers of the universe. We dispense law and order. We're kind of the police of the universe. That's our WHOLE purpose. Those fuckin idiots don't even know what they're rebelling against. They go around blowing our shit up and talking trash and having their little fruity anti-empire festivals and websites and gatherings and benefit concerts. OOOH! Wow, you got the Indigo Girls and R.E.M. to play your stupid little show. BIG FRIGGIN DEAL. Fuck you Michael Stype. You don't even know what you're talking about you skinny ass baldheaded fuckstick. Don't talk to me about oppression. Try being a fucking slave for ten years.
Grrr. I'm all pissed.
Oops, hold up. Someone's at the door.
great.
The softball tournaments cancelled. There goes my Saturday. This week just keeps getting better and better.
Anyways...
Oh yeah, okay, so like, these rebels, they're rebelling against WHAT now? Us being powerful? Is that so wrong? Fucking kids. That's all they are. They're kids whining and bitching because, God forbid, someone actually is trying to keep some semblance of order.
You know where you'd be without us? You'd be working for the fucking Huts. You want that Luke? Wanna be Jabba's bitch? Yeah, see how much rebelling you want to do when you're getting fucked up the ass by the Rancor. Or, you'd probably like that, eh Luke?
Gah... fuckin rebels. You're not even rebelling against anything in particular. You're just rebelling so you can feel important. Get a fucking life.
Awww... Solo couldn't handle the military? Got kicked out? BETTER REBEL!! Fuckin pussy. That's what happens when you get caught smoking weed in your barracks. It was your own stupid fault you got kicked out.
The only reason Luke's rebelling is because he's all horned up for his stupid ass sister. Fuckin pervert. I shoulda smothered those two when I had a chance.
I'm in a bad mood today. Ignore me.
So, anyway, yeah... When this whole so-called "Star Wars" thing blows over, my life will be a LOT easier.
You have NO idea how annoying it is to be associated with those bullshit movies.
It's like... okay, the other day... I got into SportMart to buy a new Tennis Racket. The sports place on the Death Star is shit for equipment and retarded expensive. So I shop around. I go into this place and the chick behind the counter is all terrified of me. It's like... I'm not THAT bad of a guy. I'm just Darth. I'm an alright guy. I don't mean anyone any harm (that is, unless they cross me! Then they will taste the bitter black glove of death!) and I'm a fun, fun loving, funny guy. It bums me out that now everyone thinks I'm some kind of evil overlord who goes around choking people all the time and cutting off people's hands. It's like... you cut off someone's hand once and some dipshit with a beard and a camera happens to tape it... and then suddenly you're mister hand-cutter-offer. Sheesh. In case you people didn't notice, Luke cut MY hand off at one point too. Chumps.
So, yeah, I got my tennis rackets, but only because I had to kill everyone in the store for crossing me and giving me the stink eye and all. Sonsabitches.
But yeah, that spoiled my day. I don't even feel like playing tennis anymore.
To tell you the truth, I didn't even really want to play tennis anyway. Too much bouncing around. I just got the racket because that butthead Boba Fett keeps bugging me to get into it. I keep telling him "Hey, I'm not a tennis guy" but then he's all "Aww, c'mon, it'll get your heart rate up, maybe help that breathing problem you've got"
And so on...
So, yeah, I got a racket and I'm gonna go play fucking tennis with boba fett. Pfft.
Anyways, I'm out.
|
|
Comments: Read 16 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, June 20th, 2002
|
|
|
read about it here, if you must. personally I don't trust the large media corporations for my information... but, unfortunately in regards to our beloved Piano Man, it's all I've got.
I have no coment on the nature of his trouble, but I will say that my love and respect of the man... the myth... the legend... that is Billy Joel... has not wavered in the slightest.
Send you love and prayers to Mr. Joel, at the following address:
Billy Joel
c/o Maritime Music
280 Elm Street
2nd Floor
Southampton, NY 11968
Tele: (631) 283-5511
Fax: (631) 283-6373
it is your duty as a living creature to pay your respects to the greatest artist in history.
Remember, No Billy Joel, No Peace... Know Billy Joel, Know Peace
|
|
Comments: Read 9 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
bow down to the dark and powerful force that is The Piano Man.
Look not upon his face lest you be rendered blind by his glory.
|
|
Comments: Read 23 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
First off, lemme say that I know it's been a while since I've posted. I've been kinda busy, what with trying to bring peace and order to the universe and fighting rebels and trying to convince my kids into at least TRYING to have some semblance of a relationship. I swear, they're so fucking dramatic. I call up all nice on the phone and say "Hey, Luke, wadda ya say? Wanna go catch a baseball game?" and he starts in with the screaming and the crying "NOO!!!! I'LL NEVER ATTEND A SPORTING EVENT WITH YOU!!! NO!!!!" and then hangs up... and I'm like "What the fuck's with this guy?"
and don't even get me started on Leia.
sheesh...
so, anyway, yeah, that's kinda depressing.
what's even worse is that I made the mistake of going to see that "Star Wars" movie. The Attack of the Clones.
That was a BAD idea.
Ya know... seeing Padme again... it's like... it hurts, you know? Not just because I can see her walking and talking and being alive... but it just reminds me that, like, holy shit she was fucking HOT!!
I totally railed her too. Hella times.
haha. I nailed her, you didn't.
Fucking Yoda. Everyone's all like "oooh!! he's so badass!!" but, ya know... he's just a little fuckin show off. He doesn't even need that cane. The only reason he carries the cane around is so that when he DOES do something cool, it looks REALLY cool. If he didn't act all old all the time, it wouldn't be nearly as impressive seeing him flying around with that light saber.
Something else I've been meaning to say...
Everyone is so wrapped up in these Light Sabers. Someone once asked me "hey, how come only Jedi's get to carry around lightsabers?" and you know what I told him?
Only jedi's are dumb enough to actually TRAIN to use a lightsaber. I mean, really... they're pretty lame. Okay, it's a sword that can burn through stuff. Big fucking deal. OOOH, it glows in the dark! Pretty! Pfft. Lightsabers are entirely impractical. Do you know how many times I've melted my cape from accidentally brushing it up against myself? And forget about playing football... you fall and roll onto that thing and you're either gonna have broken ribs (they're HEAVY and HARD) or you'll accidentally activate it and it'll slice your fucking leg off. It's like falling on your keys, but ten times worse? and it's not like you can take it off and leave it on the sidelines, cause they're wicked expensive, and someone would totally steal it. And, oh god, the batteries.... god forbid it take a couple of triple As or something... you gotta go to a special store in the mall just for weird fucking batteries... cell phone batteries and watch batteries, and they're like, thirty bucks a pop and they last about five seconds. And it's not like lightsabers are useful for anything else... it doesn't put off enough light to read by or find your way around in the dark... it's too bulky and hot to really cut anything worthwhile with (like, for instance, steak)... sure, if you wanna cut a hole in a door, you're good to go... but how often does THAT come up? Lemme tell you something... if I could take back all the training I did on that stupid lightsaber, I totally would. The only reason I still use one is because I like to show off (well, I'm being honest here) and because I get free batteries through my job. Otherwise, I'd sell that badboy so fast.
bah, I'm in a pissy mood. I'm gonna go eat some ice cream.
|
|
Comments: Read 20 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
dv's journal